Go Boldly Into The Feelings, Parents...

I missed Senior Awards last night. Scrolling through social media this morning was a bad idea. You know how they - the wise people of FB - say that we shouldn't compare, we should CONNECT through social media? Well, that's all nice and dandy until you miss a milestone and then feel the harsh pangs of guilt while scrolling through everyone else's pictures. (Disclaimer: I'm a little emotional about ALL the things. Hoping to process here. Writing = Therapy.)

Sorry...I digress...last night was Senior Awards night and I couldn't make it. My husband was obviously there but he couldn't stay the whole time since he had to take care of other children and a bed-ridden wife. But he was there for her special moment. He assured me that I shouldn't feel guilty and that I shouldn't be sad because I've been to ALL THE THINGS. Nonetheless, sad, sappy, sick girl remained.

Here's the thing, well, one of the things. I still can't entirely wrap my head around the fact that my first born, my little girl - once lover of all things pink, watcher of Bear and the Big Blue House (I absolutely ADORED the singing moon Luna!), consumer of salami and cheese like a true Italian, singer of Sara Hickman, reader of Angelina Ballerina, and NOW, lover of all things bohemian, watcher of too much Netflix, consumer of mass quantities of Starbucks, singer of country music, lover of Jesus and HTYM, but STILL my baby - is finishing high school. How did that happen?

I don't know about you, but lately, I turn into a bucket of tears just folding her laundry, or walking down the street (she used to stop and crunch every.single.crunchy.leaf.), or hearing her voice mail memo when she doesn't pick up. In his defense, Michael has been making LOTS of space for my emotions and he's been very sensitive. So last night, I know he was trying to make me feel better when he gently pointed out that, due to my PITA vertigo, I looked a tad bit like a heroin addict and would likely embarrass our daughter if I showed up to awards, walking like a zombie+looking like a junkie. In truth, I haven't even been able to walk to the bathroom without nearly falling over so he was right. It was better if I just didn't.

But I couldn't stop thinking about the moment when our daughter, our about-to-fly-the-coop daughter, had her name called and I didn't hear it. Walked up to the stage and I didn't cheer for her. Smiled full of pride and I didn't capture it. (Torture...I'm good at torturing myself.) I really wanted to do all of those things. But I couldn't. And I was still connected to the moment - the LAST of all awards ceremonies - emotionally. And that's my issue.

What it comes down to is that I missed out on a moment. A moment that mattered to me, that I wanted to store for all eternity in my memory, along with all of the other important moments. Because they are fleeting these days. And even though sometimes she's an emotional, snarky, impatient, eye-rolling teenager, even as she practices her independence and it breaks my heart a little, I know I don't have many more milestones that I get to witness first-hand, front-row, camera-clicking, heart-swelled, knowing that I had some small part in getting her there. Because soon, there will be so many important moments that she'll be experiencing all on her own, that I won't even know about until she shares them with me. From a distance. As it's meant to be.

Moms and dads with kids leaving for college, it's okay for us to feel the sorrow for the future moments we're about to miss. The important thing is that we don't forget to embrace all the RIGHT NOW moments. Let's soak in the celebration, be present in the prepping, and see them, memorize their features and squeeze them tight every chance we get. These are the memories that we will treasure when the house feels empty, the texts come less often, and our babies bravely chart their own paths. Even though they won't see us, we'll be praying for them and cheering them on through it all.

Go boldly into the emotions friends, know you're not alone. Come over...maybe some vodka+LaCroix will help, (when the spinning stops). I'll hold your hand as you tell me all the things your dear one has accomplished and we'll learn how to navigate this new stage together.

Sending love and strength from my couch.


By the way, when Bella got home last night, I climbed out of my bed and into hers and told her how sad I was that I missed the event. I told her that she is so so LOVED, even though I might've been the only parent in all of Tesoro that didn't make it. And finally, I told her that I was so, SO proud of her. Then I gave her a great big hug. She hugged me back, told me she understood and said that I really shouldn't leave the house looking the way I did..."Zombie Mom". We laughed, and I'm going to hold onto the humor instead of what I missed. Thank you writing-therapy!!

Holly and Jenn

Letter to Baby, On Her 18th Birthday

To Baby
September 16, 1999

Good morning. It's just after 10 a.m. Yesterday, when I got home from work, your father and I went to sushi for dinner and a little celebration. You see, we have both established ourselves in our careers and in our home and really have wonderful things to be thankful for.

When I came home from dinner though, I wasn't feeling very good...I guess you're not a big sushi fan yet. I went to bed early and felt a bit of a buzz throughout my whole body. Little did I know, you were the electricity flowing through my veins. My sleep was restless and my dreams kept waking me. I hope they didn't wake you as well, my little child.

When I woke up this morning, still feeling out of sorts, I decided not to go in to work. Your father was up and on his way to his third grade class and you and I stayed in bed for a few more hours of leisurely slumber. I arose at 9 a.m., showered and dressed and set out for the store. Your father didn't want to pick up a pregnancy test last night so I was on a mission to do so. I bought three yogurts and an EPT. Scott at Lucky's shared in the anticipation with me while I was in line. He simply said as he bagged my things, "You and Michael will be great parents." I wonder if he knew...

I got home and used the stick and three minutes later, I was aware of you. My hands shook, my heart raced and my eyes cried. It was the best moment of your life thus far, for it was when you revealed yourself to me. And it was the best moment of my life thus far, for I started to get to know you. And I gave you a name..."Baby."

I love you my child, and I can't wait to share the news with your dad, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles. You are going to be so blessed with family and friends and unlimited love. But for now, and for the next six hours until your father comes home from work, I will have you all to myself, and I will walk proudly with you, I will talk softly to you and I will keep you warm and safe.

With love forever,
Your Mommy

Today, our sweet Baby Bella turns 18. She is a beautiful spirit in this world, compassionate, intuitive and wise beyond her years, yet at the same time, she holds onto the magic of her childhood. In some ways, we're not ready for her to grow up, and in others, we can't wait to witness all of the grand experiences she'll have, the beautiful relationships waiting to be formed, and the many ways that our Bella will leave her fingerprints on the world.

Godspeed, sweet girl. We love you always.

Mom and Dad

Holly and Jenn

My Emotional Relationship With ExtraCare Rewards and Why My Son Is Now My Servant


I am a selfless person. In most instances, I will fulfill the needs of every single member of my household before I even contemplate my own. The chores: I will do the lion's share because they are so busy. The lists: I will cross off all the things before putting my feet up. (Wait, that's funny. I don't think I do that.) I know it's a mom thing, but sometimes I feel guilty if I put myself first. Anyone get me?

If you answered yes, I think you will understand my reaction to a recent situation. I came home from work the other day and found my thirteen year old, still sweet and considerate Noah, playing Fort Night (ugh...for another post) with a wide array of junky snacks. There were three boxes of Cheez-Its, two tubes of Pringles, some beef sticks and a giant Arizona Ice Tea. (Or is it Iced Tea?)

This is how the conversation went:

Me: Hey bud.

Son: Oh, hey mom.

Me: How was your day.

Son: Pretty good. How was your day? (See, considerate.)

Me: Busy. And good. (I may have munched on a few Cheez-Its here.)

Son: You like those?

Me: Yes. Yes I do. Where'd you get them?

Son: CVS.

Me: That's fun. Looks like you scored today. Did you and your friends buy all this?

Son: No. Just me.

Me: Wow...that's a lot of stuff for just you.

Son: Guess how much it all cost.

Me: Hmmm...I'd say $15.

Son: Nope. Just $2.50.

Me: What? How? Some sort of blow-out snack sale?

Son: Well, actually, when we first got there, I just got the Arizona. But when I checked out, the guy
gave me the receipt and it had $18 of coupons.

Me: Wait. Are you talking about the ExtraCare Rewards?

Son: I don't know but it was $18 in free money. So I had to go spend it.

Me: So you spent all $18 on this junk food?! (I possibly waved my hands a bit wildly here.)

Son: Mom, even you like the Cheez-Its. I'll share.

Me: But you spent ALL of the $18? All of MY Rewards?

Son: Well, the guy gave them to me so I just used them.

Me: But...but, they're mine.

Son: (Puts down the XBox remote in response to my whiney voice and maybe the tension in the room.)

Me: You see, they accrue from all the purchases I've been making at CVS. Like your hair stuff. And razors. And your sister's face stuff. And everyone's Easter stuff!! Everyone else's stuff. That I buy. And each time I check out, I wait for that special, really long receipt, that thanks me for all of my time and effort and patronage at CVS. I really look forward to my ExtraCare Rewards. And now they're gone!

Son: Sorry. I didn't know.

Me: (I had no nice words so I said nothing.)

Okay, so maybe I got a little emotional about my youngest stealing accidentally using what was rightfully mine, but the thing is, I kind of feel like those Rewards are exactly that: a reward. MY reward. For all the planning and all the sourcing and all the buying-for-everyone-else. I can purchase a blow-drying-curling-brush for half the cost with those rewards. I can invest in some fancy hair treatment oils and face masks with those rewards. I can buy the really good wrapping paper (to wrap their stuff in) with those rewards. I can secure a whole new summer palette of Esse nail polish with those rewards.

But I get none of the guilt-free-shopping-just-for-me if someone wastes them on a shit-load of crap!! (Pardon my French.) Am I alone here? I don't think I'm alone here. Perhaps there's a support group for people who strive to have a healthy relationship with their ExtraCare Rewards.

But for now, Noah owes me. And maybe, just maybe, I'll kick my feet up while he does some of my chores.

Rant over.

Holly and Jenn

Together, We Can Create Anything

You guys, we've found an AMAZING new podcast: the 21st Century Creative Podcast!! The brilliant Mark McGuinness, poet and creative coach, offers insight on many facets of creativity and how to achieve not only creative fulfillment, but also some semblance of success, however a person may measure that.

Through a mix of guests and topics, each episode is designed to focus on issues and trends that creatives encounter within their various crafts, as well as showcase an expert, their medium, experience and process. Additionally, a creative challenge rounds out each episode, aiming to inspire us and make a meaningful difference to our work. 

But not only that, each episode reminds us that as creatives, we are not alone in our often solitary endeavors. And in fact, fostering relationships and sharing creative energy will allow us to add unique value to the world. 

Please enjoy the first episode here, and listen on. We promise, whatever your creative medium, whether you're creating now or waiting for the right time, you will be enchanted and uplifted and inspired.

Until next time, happy dreaming, happy creating.

{J & H}

(Photo cred: "My Life Through A Lens"-Unsplash)
Holly and Jenn

Is LoJack Still a Thing? Can I Attach it to My College Student?

I completely understand that people go to college all the time but I'm thinking there should be some classes to prep parents like me, the ones who are maybe not totally sure how they're going to handle such things as their BABIES going away to college. Am I alone in this? Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

Lately, Facebook and Instagram have been filled with college commitment announcements. It's so fun! And I have MANY friends who seem to be experts at dealing with their children-but-also-apparently-adults being away at college. In true social media fashion, it's all sunshine and lollipops. No ugly crying, no panic, no fear...maybe that's just in my house, because everyone else seems to be really prepared.

This is my issue. I'm not very good at handling the not-knowing. Example: text chain below. Please tell me, honestly, how long you would've waited before maybe almost looking up missing persons info on the interwebs. (Maybe don't be honest.)

Soooo...I have the Find Friends app and Bella's pretty responsive, but when she's in San Francisco, adulting all on her own and I don't know all the details of her whereabouts, who's going to walk me off the ledge? Could someone just tell me if LoJack still exists and how it can be attached to my adult-child? I think that might help. Any other strategies would be greatly appreciated too.

Thanks friends. So glad our tribe is authentic and supportive and doesn't judge the mom who sometimes has an over-active imagination. I'm grateful for your wisdom and perspective.

Holly and Jenn

Breakfast Cereal, School House Rock and Social Media

Saturday mornings were always the best growing up. Before I turned thirteen, I used to be a morning person (believe it or not) and waking up early to get my bowl of Cheerios or Grape-Nuts (no sugar in our house) and flip on Scooby-Doo and Looney-Tunes was a highlight of my week. I learned what a "Bill" was in the government and how to properly use conjunctions. It was education and music all rolled up in a ball of fun. I can still sing all the School House Rock songs by heart. Then I'd jump on my bike and ride all day till the streetlights came on. That, my friends, is the epitome of childhood. Riding free with the wind through my hair (no helmets then either). Stopping at houses of those we knew along the way and having neighbors feed us and ask about our families. No phones. No internet. We did have Atari but not until 1981 and that is for another post.

Our kids don't get to experience life that way anymore. We have become more aware and more "educated" than our parents were. So much so that the thought of letting them jump on their bikes and ride around town before the age of twelve feels somewhat like neglect. We just know too much and and I may have mentioned at some point how I have a very active-can-assume-the-worst-possible-scenario-imagination? I'm working on it...

I heard recently that we are the first generation of parents that are having to deal with social media issues and the anxiety (etc.) that comes along with having ALL THE KNOWLEDGE at our fingertips. Our children are growing up more depressed, more anxious and more suicidal than any other previous generation. WOW. I sometimes wish I could go back to myself ten years ago and tell her that it's okay if your kids don't have smartphones because no one knows how to deal with the problems they create.

We are flying by the seat of our pants a lot of the time. I'm sure there are families that have found fabulous ways of setting boundaries and limits around phone usage and screen time and I'm not really into debating parenting styles, I'm just saying that it is HARD and UNEXPECTED probably a little bit for everyone who has kids in 2018. It's okay to feel overwhelmed about it but also know that you are not ALONE. I think the more we engage with each other about the difficult parts of parenting the more authentic we can be and that may be the key to finding our new normal in this age of Snap Chat, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Is it possible for a kids to have a simple life anymore? I'm not sure.

I realized our problem was more extensive than I had imagined when I heard my fourteen year old quote something from the lovely TV show "American Dad". It sounds like it really could be a wholesome program, but it's exactly opposite of that. It's filthy. A cartoon geared toward adults is not something I want my child to have in his head. But thanks to social media and MEMES he knows all about it. Did I mention he's getting a C- in German? Maybe his teacher should start making memes to help the class memorize the language better? Just a thought. Makes me feel like a real superstar as a mom. Somewhere along the line I failed.

But in reality, the older they get the less control I have over what they see and experience. That is the normal part. The really-far-from-normal-part is that now, it's not just what they may hear from friends or rated R movies that we need to be concerned with. It's what they could possibly hear from ALL THE THINGS because they have ALL THE KNOWLEDGE at the click of a button. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Is there a way we can go back to pre-social media living? Saturday mornings with cereal, School House Rock and all day bike rides? The kind of day that when you wanted to know where your friends were, you looked for all the bikes scattered on someone's lawn instead of Snap Chat. Maybe  there will be a solar flare that takes out all the cellular satellites so we can head back to those days in the 70's. But as it is, we have to adjust, come up with new ways to deal with this technology and information and learn how to protect our kids in ways our parents didn't or couldn't have fathomed.

Thank you Lord for prayer. JESUS. Please save us. And eveyone said...Amen.


Photo credit: Ajeet Mestry on Unsplash

Holly and Jenn

Jesus and Avocado Toast...

Guns have been in the news a lot lately. Gun control reform, safe schools, even my husband's school is talking about them. As we should be. But sometimes, talking isn't enough. And when I don't know exactly how to respond to things, when I get overwhelmed by the noise and the fighting, I pray.

So at church on Sunday, I prayed for God to heal the people who are hurting, in Parkland, and in other places like Sutherland Springs, Newtown, and across the nation. I prayed for the victims...the countless victims who have suffered horrific pain and anguish, and for the thousands of family members and friends suffering alongside them. And I prayed for the ones who inflicted the pain. Wherever they were on the scale of mentally ill to evil, we have to imagine that only a life of extreme anguish or abuse (whether physical or emotional or mental), could lead someone to carry out such a horrendous and malicious act. 

Then I prayed for the mentally ill and the addicted and the abandoned, that somehow God can help us find better ways to help them. I prayed for the communities that these tragedies have shaken and all the schools that are full of more pain and fear. I prayed that we wouldn’t get used to school shootings and guns in the hands of our young, because it’s NOT NORMAL. I prayed for a united focus, on mercy, on compassion, on reason, on love. 

I stared at the cross and prayed for people to abandon political agendas right now for the singular, bold act of doing what is right, of figuring out a way to control the accessibility and use of lethal weapons that inflict mass injury and terror. Just doing the next right and brave thing...I prayed more people would be called to that, even if it means they have to go through extra screening before they get to buy their next box of ammunition or that certain automatic rifles are pulled from gun shows and online marketplaces. I prayed for an increased value to be placed in the greater good of our children.

And I prayed for parents. Because we are the biggest part of the violence prevention program. Fixing society begins within our homes, with actual rules, where the hard work of parenting happens. We need to set limits and expectations, instill empathy and kindness, be involved and aware. Deep conversations need to happen. The word NO needs to happen. It is a BIG job friends. Our kids need us to teach them how to be selfless and passionate and authentic, how to be inclusive and to love and to serve. And they need us to teach them by example.

I’m not kidding...I prayed about all of it. Because it’s complex and scary and hard work, but it is essential and it belongs to all of us. We belong to each other, even in our differences. I don’t own a gun but I don’t want to take them away from all people, just some people. I’m a Californian with some left and some right views. I love Jesus and avocado toast and I really want to see more of us, hands reaching for each other in the middle of the aisle. There are lots of us I think. 

So let’s pray for God’s merciful healing of the pain and hurt and then let’s band together and do something good in honor of the countless, unnecessary victims of these recent tragedies. Let's remove the insults and condemnation from the conversation...they just cause more pain and division. I hope as you open your hearts and minds for this important dialogue, you remember what Gandhi said: "In a gentle way, you can shake the world." I really think we can.


(Photo cred: Renee Fisher-Unsplash)
Holly and Jenn